Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Loss of self?

Lately I have been struggling with something very personal. I am not sure if there is a real solution, or if this is just the way things are going to be from here on out. Since becoming a Mom, I think I have lost my old self completely. Not that I expected for things to stay even remotely the same, but maybe they have changed too much. I love my son with all my heart and soul. That's not what it is, at all.

I just feel that my life revolves completely around my baby boy. I have no time for myself and no time for my husband. On the same token, I feel like I want my life to revolve around my baby completely. But then, I also don't.

Does that make any sense whatsoever?

I find myself holding contempt (maybe it's also pangs of jealousy?) for those who can cavalierly leave their baby with Grandma, or whoever so they can spend time with hubby alone, for a few hours, or even heaven forbid a weekend to run away together. Carefree, just drop them off with some diapers, clothes, and bottles, and off they go.

I don't have that luxury, not right now at least.
I am certain that there will come a time that it will happen... just not any time in the forseeable future.

I work so hard at having an "attached" relationship with my baby. I can't say I am doing the same for myself or hubby. I love my husband so much. He has been more than understanding in the last 6 months, I assure you. But I know that he has to miss the alone time as much as I do sometimes. The luxury of doing nothing but laying in bed naked together on a weekend morning, just relishing the time together to do whatever we please... are those days gone forever?

Also, we still have yet to resume our sexual relationship... and I'm sure that has tons to do with why I'm feeling this way. He hasn't mentioned it. I'm kind of relieved, yet hurt at the same time. But I also dn't want to bring it up. I'm scared. Scared it will be painful, scared I'll get pregnant again right away, scared it will be somehow different for us both.

I also have not spent ANY time alone since Travis' birth. I blame myself for that, not the baby.

He won't take a bottle, and I think that's why I am more than a little hesitant.
Sometimes he nurses every two hours, sometimes, it's every three to four, sometimes it's a lot more frequently.

Also, the only time hubby has off are the weekends. He works from 9am-7 or 8 at night every weekday. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice our short time together for time for me to be alone. But I want time alone. And time alone tgether. How is this going to work?

This whole thing is a catch-22. I am trying desperately to balance this self/wife/mother thing, and I feel that I'm failing. Failing myself, failing my husband. At least I'm not failing my son. Or am I?
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