Monday, December 11, 2006

Remember.....

I have a picture of you. It is hidden away in a secret drawer. You were so very tiny, only
7 1/2 weeks inside my womb at the time. It's all I have.... but it proves that you once existed. Your heartbeat wasn't detected again. I thought I was 12 weeks along, but you stopped growing at 9 weeks. 3 years ago.... It's eerie. Two days ago, the anniversary date passed. I remembered... and felt the most at peace than I have up until this point. I still wonder.... wonder what kind of person you would have been had your life been given the chance to thrive.

I look at Travis, a miracle. He reminds me every day how lucky I am. Even though the trials of toddlerhood... I know that getting here has taken a long time, and for that I am greatful. At the same time I am fearful. Fearful of the loss, most of all - fearful of it happening again when we start trying for another baby.

I am fearful of the way smelling Jessica McClintock perfume now makes me feel. I used to wear it all the time. Now, I can't. Not without thinking of you. Without thinking of the day we lost you. Sometimes, when I'm out in public, the scent will waft past me, from a stranger wearing it... For a moment, I am disarmed, vulnerable. My eyes will well up with tears. I still have a quarter of the bottle left. And it is there, right next to your picture. I remember.
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6 comments:

AscenderRisesAbove said...

cute little guy - it looks like a sunny day at the beach. also enjoyed your flicker pictures; the one with the blue cap. too cute.

(so sorry for your loss)

Mandy said...

Read your linked post. It was heartbreaking. So sorry that you went through that. Perhaps when you smell that scent you can look at it as your angel just checking in with you.....I don't know, just a thought.

Mama C-ta said...

Oh hun, I'm so sorry :( I can't imagine...xoxo

leaner said...

Wow- I know how that is. I don't have a picture of the babers that I lost, but I still think of *him* often. I love that you wrote this.

Anne said...

amazing tribute. I had no idea but I'm so sorry for your loss.

Shelley said...

A moving memory, well-shared.

Thank you.