Thursday, December 11, 2003

Goodbye, my love

We never met. We never got the chance to hold you, or feel you move inside of me. Yet you have left such an impression in our hearts during your short stay inside of me. We lost you officially 3 weeks ago, but you left my body just two days ago, and it was the most painful and agonizing - thing both physically and emotionally, that I've ever had to contend with.
On the way to the doctors office, we stopped at the post office. I stayed in the car. I watched this particular tree, and the wind was shaking all of the leaves so fiercly, it was as though they were clinging on for dear life. And all of a sudden, the weakest ones would begin to fall to the ground, leaving only the strong ones behind.
And then there was the way the sky ominously clouded over, leaving a patch of blue sky over exactly the direction we were headed. And the fire trucks, with their lights on to the side of the road without seemingly a reason. I knew.
Before they put me into that ultrasound room, I knew. I knew very early that morning, and perhaps the night before. The painful cramping would not go away. And then the bleeding started. Just a little. But I knew. Unfortunately, it still wasn't any easier. The doctor told me I was already beginning to dialate, and he showed me where the placenta was beginning to detach from my uterus. He said I wouldn't make it to the D&C. It would happen naturally, and it would happen soon. He left the room and Jeff and I held each other and I cried. I cried for the loss of you, for the loss of us. The shock of it all just floored me. I had been broadsided. It was really happening, the worst, what I had feared.
It started while I was waiting at the pharmacy for pain medication. I felt a twinge. And we had to have someone open the restroom. I stood up, and warmth filled my groin area. I went to the toilet, and bled. I bled so much I thought it would never stop. It was eerie and cheesy at the same time, this song came over the store's piped-in music. Just Remember I love you- by Barry Manilow. Jeff got on his knees in front of me as I was seated on the toilet, while I cried.
"When it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone the days get rainy and the nights get long when you get that feeling you were born to lose staring at your ceiling thinking of your blues when there's so much trouble that you want to cry the world has crumbled and you don't know why when your hopes are fading and they can't be found dreams have left you waiting friends have let you down just remember I love you and it'll be alright just remember I love you more than I can say just remember I love you and it'll be alright maybe then your blues will fade away when you need a lover and you're down so low you start to wonder but you never know when it feels like sorrow is your only friend knowing that tomorrow you'll feel this way again when the blues come calling at the break of dawn the rain keeps falling but the rainbow's gone when you feel like crying and the tears won't come then your dreams are dying then you're on the run just remember I love you more than I can say just remember I love you and it'll be alright"
The miscarriage and bleeding continued at home for at least an hour. The pain I will not forget. We napped for awhile, the narcotics thankfully taking effect. We awoke, and cried again for you, together. We loved you even though we never really knew you. You will always be our First, our angel, the baby we wanted so badly, but were never allowed to meet. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop crying, it hurts so badly. I know we will get through this, and have the family we have been wanting forever. But we will never, ever forget you.
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